JUST LET DADS DAD
If you want him to step up — you might have to stop telling him how.
I'm not sure why I thought it would work, but it was my way of making sure my husband knew what to do.
I was preparing for the birth of our second baby and wrote in a wee notebook all the things for my husband to do and say during labour and birth. In the most unhelpful and timely manner, I handed it to him when I was in labour, expecting him to do it all right!
Of course, I now know, after 15 years of parenting five boys, that this is NOT how males tend to work, and it is certainly not the best way to communicate how I need help.
It turns out that males don't necessarily work best by following instructions or being told how to do things. They often seem to work best under pressure, figuring things out for themselves, making mistakes and solving problems.
In contrast, women tend to feel safer and more secure when they get things right and avoid failure and mistakes. We are often happier to receive the "how-to" instructions.
This difference can be noticeable between girls and boys from very young ages.
You may notice girls playing out more social situations, role-playing and considering others, whereas you may notice boys challenging their physical capabilities, taking things apart and working out how to put things back together. They tend to need to do things their own way.
As adults, you may see that mothers tend to be more likely to listen to the parenting podcasts, read the books, follow the influencers and then somehow expect our men to parent the way we have concluded is the right way — through osmosis, telepathy or perhaps written notes in little notebooks.
I can tell you first-hand: those methods don't work!
But it took me many years to realise that what I was doing was actually stopping the thing I most wanted to happen — for my husband to be able to be the fully involved parent he wanted to be, and the one our boys would thrive best with.
As our family expanded and more children came along, with more to do, I noticed how much more managerial and ultra-organised I became.
It is more common for the female to run the household. We take on most of the house and life admin, housework and much of the child-related duties — parties, extracurricular activities, drop-offs and pick-ups.
It's no wonder mothers resort to organisation and micromanagement to make sure everyone in the house gets fed, gets where they need to be and no one gets left behind.
We become very good at anticipating problems. We plan, we organise and we prevent.
Which can be very different from the strengths we often see in males.
Yet somewhere along the way, we can start believing that our way is the right way.
And in our super-organisation, we can end up killing one very important thing — our relationship with our partner, and their ability to step up into their role as an active parent and teammate.
When children come along, the differences between men and women that were easy to overlook as a childless couple suddenly get dragged into the spotlight.
Before you know it, resentment has accumulated about all the different things we do because of all the things they 'don't do'.
And it can quickly become a destructive pattern.
Perhaps this sounds familiar to you in some way?
The mother who constantly organises the environment and schedule, reminding Dad, correcting him and taking over before he even gets a chance to think about it.
She may resort to tactics such as huffing and puffing, sniping, nagging and criticising in the hope that this will motivate him to change his game plan.
But inadvertently, this may end up putting him into a responsive rather than responsible role.
And then, over time, the relationship starts to morph into more of a:
Mum → plus an adult child
rather than:
Woman ↔ Man partnership.
She resorts to more over-functioning, which makes it feel like he is under-functioning.
And this becomes a vicious cycle.
His perceived under-functioning reinforces her belief that she has to do everything, so she keeps taking on more. This builds up resentment — not just for her, but eventually for both parents.
So how can we interrupt this cycle, where both people feel appreciated and are working in partnership again, without the overwhelm and nagging?
How can a woman feel safe enough to step back and know that the household isn't going to fall apart or self-destruct?
Because a man needs space and trust in order to have the opportunity to step up.
And, let's be honest, no one is going to feel particularly motivated to step up and help when they feel constantly criticised and unneeded.
I wonder if perhaps part of the problem is this:
1. We expect Dad to do it our way.
We don't always appreciate the differences between males and females, and instead of seeing different, we see wrong.
We expect our partners to organise, anticipate, communicate and parent as we do.
But they don't necessarily need the week's schedule listed with all the drop-offs, pick-ups, lunchbox menus and food rations.
They may simply need the problem presented — and they will solve it.
Not necessarily the way we would do it, or the way we asked them to do it.
But it will get done.
Because 'we' are motivated more by preventing problems, we can inadvertently prevent the opportunity for our males, who may be more motivated by pressure, to actually contribute.
And this is where males may feel particularly useful and capable — when they are solving problems and creating solutions.
So perhaps our job is to stop focusing so much on how they did it and focus instead on the outcome.
For example, take the moment when you discover that you can't find the tool, item of clothing or piece of equipment that you need just when you are about to leave.
Do you find yourself screaming internally — or out loud:
"If only you put it back where it belongs."
"That's why there's a place for these things."
"I told you to get ready last night!"
Where I see these moments as a total, unnecessary waste of time, energy and stress, it seems to be no bother to my husband at all. He becomes very focused on simply finding the thing — or an alternative.
So now I've learnt to shut my mouth (more), walk away, wait in the car and let them get on with it.
Because the outcome is inevitably solved — but now with less shouting and tension.
And perhaps that's the point.
Different doesn't necessarily mean wrong.
But if we're going to let Dad do things differently, we also have to be willing to let go of doing everything ourselves.
And this is where I think we women have another piece of the puzzle to look at.
2. We've been conditioned to become so hyper-independent that we've forgotten how to let someone else help.
We've become so used to carrying everything, anticipating everything and making sure everything happens that we don't know how to ask for help.
Or, more specifically, we don't always know how to ask in a way that will get us what we actually want.
Sometimes it means being honest and vulnerable and simply stating:
"I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, and this is what needs doing."
Expressing your feelings doesn't mean you are weak or less capable. In fact, it may work a whole heap more effectively than the usual passive-aggressive comments:
"I'll do it myself."
"I'll end up doing it anyway."
Or the unspoken expectation that they will do it wrong.
It is often easier to focus on what they do wrong, and we forget to acknowledge and appreciate what our children's father does well.
Often, males are very good at:
Putting things into perspective
Being objective
Getting shit done when it really needs to be done
Fixing things
Finding solutions
Lightening the atmosphere with Dad jokes and humour
Being physical and playing rough-and-tumble with the kids
And most of the time, they just want to please us and do right by us.
But perhaps it's our job to understand how they tick so we can actually bring out the best in them, rather than constantly trying to make them operate more like us.
So hopefully, today, on Father's Day, you can find a small way to step back — so Dad can step up — and we can just LET DADS DAD.
Katie Oliver is co-founder of True in Nature Bush School and creator of the Secure Family Foundations Method.